Where is it all going? That is the question that’s been running through my mind over and over again during the past two years. Thoughts come and go, creating end less circles in my brain. The world seems to have lost it’s meaning to me, all goals quickly shot down with a depressed “why bother?” It seems to have formed a spiral, swirling round and round inside. I feel surrounded by a terrible confusion, black cloud envelops me.
At first, I thought it was just from sitting in yeshiva, all day in front of books. So the solution seemed simple: college. I even had a goal in mind- becoming a doctor. So I jumped in, ready for it. But something was wrong. Inundated with work, all so hard and pointless, I struggled. But then I lost the will to fight. Tired of all the pain and difficulty, I couldn’t even do my homework anymore. Which led me to where I stand today, failing in two of my four courses. Many people say that you sometimes have to hit bottom before you can rebound and begin to rise again. But every time I think I’ve gotten to the dead end, it somehow keeps going. The bottom is running away from me, and the road feels endless. I tell myself to just hold on, one day it will end and I’ll find my way. All this will fade like a storm. But how long will that take, and what will be left of me when it’s done? As it is my dreams are fading, my passions dying. How much more can I take? I feel like a decay has set in, and I’m slowly being eaten by it. But help still eludes me. I prayed and prayed, even at the site where all prayers are supposed to be heard, yet no answer has come, I have felt no love. I got disillusioned, lost interest praying in begun to question the point of ritual. Why bother with it when it doesn’t seem to give me anything. No great feeling of completion or holiness has come to me; it just feels cumbersome and restrictive. Yet, I also don’t feel comfortable around non-orthodox Jews or gentiles. Instead, it feels like I have no place at all. Lost, lonely, and alone. Not good at all.