Good! Morning

Woke up this morning in a surprisingly good mood. Probably has to do with the end of the week, and maybe all the emotion that I've written down has helped clear my brain. Kind of bloodletting for the soul. Anyhoo, I'm feeling excited about getting married now, and looking forward to it. Now, to just get through these next two work days…

I finished reading A Year in the Maine Woods, and am moving on to a collection of Wendell Berry's essays called The Art of the Commonplace. More on him some other time. I'd love to discuss these books with someone.

It was my mom's birthday yesterday, gave her a nice card. She said it was the nicest she'd ever gotten, and it looked like she was very moved. Makes me happy to let her know that despite anything that happened during the course of growing up, I truly love her and appreciate her. Tell your mom that, you'll not only make her day, you may make her year! (you can tell dad too, btw.)

Now, on to work…

Blog Info

Just wanted to let you know, this blog isn't going to be just essays about my emotions. This is going to be a little of everything; politics, outdoors, life, etc. Basically, whatever is on my mind at the moment. It will revolve around the basic themes of outdoor lifestyles and my other assorted interests. My intent is to become a part of a community of people with similar ideas about life. So, let's schmooze!

Currently Reading...

I'm now reading 'A Year in the Maine Woods', by Bernd Heinrich. It's about a scientist who decides to spend an entire year in his cabin in Western Maine. This is a totally backwoods experience; his cabin can only be accessed via a half-mile uphill trek. He is at times very spiritual, in his contemplation of the most subtle things around him. It is also filled with emotion, as he thinks about his love for the solitude of the woods, mixed with his loneliness from being single. It is also filled with little tidbits of information, as the scientist tries to understand these little wonders. I connect with the book, and the author, in a unique way, and that is why I love it. I find that much of what he thinks about regarding his life is quite similar to what I continue to try to figure out. I don't think ill find a solution to my life from the book, but it may help give me some perspective, and a different way to think about it. The book is a good read even if you're aren't confused and emotional, however. Reading this book will help slow you down, and show you how to appreciate even the most subtle parts of life. It is a contemplative memoir, and a great read.

    Let me know if you read it and what you think.

Monday-Morningitis

Mondays really suck. My normally unpredictable emotions get even wilder on mornings like these. It's almost as if I want to feel sad, just for the feeling of it. But why should I feel so sad? I am engaged to a wonderful girl, have a job, and just paid off my debt. I may not have much, but I lack little also. So, again I ask myself, "why so sad?" I feel better now that I have worked out some of the most severe kinks in our relationship, yet I still wonder if I'll be happy, or if I'll feel as if I gave up my desired lifestyle. I'm driving my mother crazy with all my emotions. I pray, again and again, and hope that God will just send me salvation. It's coming soon, I tell myself, as hope is what keeps humanity itself going. Is there a real emotional or psychological problem, one that I should address with professional help? On the outside, I seem intelligent, mature beyond my years. Yet, on the inside, I often feel a great, terrible confusion. Confusion that clogs out the sun, blocks out pleasantness.

I guess I am also getting over the realization that your mate cannot make you happy. I had been hoping that my feelings would sort themselves out naturally, with the happiness that comes with that. But that is not the reality, "your spouse is not responsible for your happiness", I've seen it said. Turns out that might be true. That is not to say that a relationship shouldn't be fulfilling, enjoyable, loving, and happy. Just that it is not a cure for emotional distress.

Now, about the outdoors. I've been trying to explain my feelings towards the outdoors to family and friends for years, to no avail. They usually shrug and say, "So you have a hobby, why take it so seriously". But to me, it is more than a hobby or a sport. It is a feeling that I get when I am in the countryside, a state of being that I go into. It is part of why I feel doubt about my engagement. It is a burning desire to live close to nature, to come close to God through His creation. Some come close to Him through study and prayer; I do it through feelings generated by His natural world. I guess you can say that is what's at the core of it.

I read a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, and it goes something like this: "there is nothing at all to writing, you simply sit in front of a typewriter and bleed". I found that pretty inspiring, and it is part of my inspiration for blogging. (The other inspiration came from Mom, after trying to express my frustrations to her, she suggested it) if I could channel my heart's feelings through my fingers, I'll end up with the community that blogging gives, the catharsis that writing in general brings, and an outlet for what I perceive as my talent for writing. (We'll see about that last one) Maybe this can get me somewhere.

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Where is it all going? That is the question that’s been running through my mind over and over again during the past two years. Thoughts come and go, creating end less circles in my brain. The world seems to have lost it’s meaning to me, all goals quickly shot down with a depressed “why bother?” It seems to have formed a spiral, swirling round and round inside. I feel surrounded by a terrible confusion, black cloud envelops me.
At first, I thought it was just from sitting in yeshiva, all day in front of books. So the solution seemed simple: college. I even had a goal in mind- becoming a doctor. So I jumped in, ready for it. But something was wrong. Inundated with work, all so hard and pointless, I struggled. But then I lost the will to fight. Tired of all the pain and difficulty, I couldn’t even do my homework anymore. Which led me to where I stand today, failing in two of my four courses. Many people say that you sometimes have to hit bottom before you can rebound and begin to rise again. But every time I think I’ve gotten to the dead end, it somehow keeps going. The bottom is running away from me, and the road feels endless. I tell myself to just hold on, one day it will end and I’ll find my way. All this will fade like a storm. But how long will that take, and what will be left of me when it’s done? As it is my dreams are fading, my passions dying. How much more can I take? I feel like a decay has set in, and I’m slowly being eaten by it. But help still eludes me. I prayed and prayed, even at the site where all prayers are supposed to be heard, yet no answer has come, I have felt no love. I got disillusioned, lost interest praying in begun to question the point of ritual. Why bother with it when it doesn’t seem to give me anything. No great feeling of completion or holiness has come to me; it just feels cumbersome and restrictive. Yet, I also don’t feel comfortable around non-orthodox Jews or gentiles. Instead, it feels like I have no place at all. Lost, lonely, and alone. Not good at all.