Mondays really suck. My normally unpredictable emotions get even wilder on mornings like these. It's almost as if I want to feel sad, just for the feeling of it. But why should I feel so sad? I am engaged to a wonderful girl, have a job, and just paid off my debt. I may not have much, but I lack little also. So, again I ask myself, "why so sad?" I feel better now that I have worked out some of the most severe kinks in our relationship, yet I still wonder if I'll be happy, or if I'll feel as if I gave up my desired lifestyle. I'm driving my mother crazy with all my emotions. I pray, again and again, and hope that God will just send me salvation. It's coming soon, I tell myself, as hope is what keeps humanity itself going. Is there a real emotional or psychological problem, one that I should address with professional help? On the outside, I seem intelligent, mature beyond my years. Yet, on the inside, I often feel a great, terrible confusion. Confusion that clogs out the sun, blocks out pleasantness.
I guess I am also getting over the realization that your mate cannot make you happy. I had been hoping that my feelings would sort themselves out naturally, with the happiness that comes with that. But that is not the reality, "your spouse is not responsible for your happiness", I've seen it said. Turns out that might be true. That is not to say that a relationship shouldn't be fulfilling, enjoyable, loving, and happy. Just that it is not a cure for emotional distress.
Now, about the outdoors. I've been trying to explain my feelings towards the outdoors to family and friends for years, to no avail. They usually shrug and say, "So you have a hobby, why take it so seriously". But to me, it is more than a hobby or a sport. It is a feeling that I get when I am in the countryside, a state of being that I go into. It is part of why I feel doubt about my engagement. It is a burning desire to live close to nature, to come close to God through His creation. Some come close to Him through study and prayer; I do it through feelings generated by His natural world. I guess you can say that is what's at the core of it.
I read a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson, and it goes something like this: "there is nothing at all to writing, you simply sit in front of a typewriter and bleed". I found that pretty inspiring, and it is part of my inspiration for blogging. (The other inspiration came from Mom, after trying to express my frustrations to her, she suggested it) if I could channel my heart's feelings through my fingers, I'll end up with the community that blogging gives, the catharsis that writing in general brings, and an outlet for what I perceive as my talent for writing. (We'll see about that last one) Maybe this can get me somewhere.
